At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
