We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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