I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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