I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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