Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
