Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
