I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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