I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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