I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
