a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize