brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
