I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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