Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
