Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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