I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
