I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
they need to just BURY HIM!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
