Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
