I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
