I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
