Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
