All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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