were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
