Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
These tits shall not be calmed
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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