I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
