i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize