At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
