wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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