I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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