Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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