walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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