as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
