I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
