If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
