U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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