i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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