so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
