Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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