I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
