i will never coherently bang her
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
