I cannot find my penis.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
