im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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