i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Randomize
