I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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