Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize