The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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