we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
