you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
