girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
