hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize