dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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