I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
