Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
