Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
