I just pynch a tree in the face
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
