I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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