Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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