just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
