yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize