We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
