new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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