Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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